The quote 'Finding myself’ has become such a cliché to the
myth of self-discovery in today’s society that often times we feel incomplete
or underachieved if we feel we are still ‘missing something’ or have this empty
feeling. This something could be happiness,
finances, marriage, career, investments, a family, love etc., the list could go
on but often times a lot of us do not know exactly what that something missing is.
I can speak for myself, I have most of what I asked
God for yet I still feel unfulfilled, unhappy, because not all of my wishes have been granted and I often ask myself Why is that? Why do I have this expectation of complete
bliss as a Christian or a ‘good person’ Why is it that I am not completely
blessed, why does God choose to answer certain prayers? Why does he allow me to live in shame? Why all this stress, why all the trials, why
am I not settled like others? Why, Why,
Why, me, me, me! That was 2018 for me. Am I ashamed of feeling this way, absolutely! Because through this I seat back and see a lot of learning and growth in me. I struggled
a lot with my faith, was angry at God a few times, but somehow, I always ended
up on my knees after a tantrum…😊 Now that’s growth to me! Remember Christianity is about a
relationship with God getting out of religion Proverbs
12:22 - The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are
trustworthy..
The storms where enormous in 2018, phewwww but through it
all God did sooooo much for me OMG! The
devil tries to distract you from God’s blessings by reminding you of your
mishaps and it is a struggle to stay on track with gratitude, but I encourage
you to try. Even if you fail its OK,
dust yourself up and try again. As I reflect
through this past year, I THANK God for:
§My Parent’s health – both of my
parents were severely ill this year, they live in a different State, I am an
only child trying to juggle my career as well as care for my parents. YEAH, it was hard, very hard… I cried a lot. Rented hotel rooms even though I am
struggling with my finances, I did that to cry and commune with God privately. I had to be strong in front of my parents,
they could not see me fall apart. I
thank God that they are recovering in Jesus name.
§Career/Finances – How I juggled this taking care of two
sets of bills (mine & helping my parents) is only by the Grace of God.
Through struggling with my parent’s illness, I got a big promotion at work and
how that happened is truly by God. Not
by my doing! I also managed to improve my
credit score since I ruined it in college, I give thanks to God.
§ Great Apartment – I never imagined
finding a huge apartment, in my city everyone knows that we live in cramped
spaces In NY😊. My lease ended in my previous studio
and the real estate market in NY is so outrageous now that I did not know how I
could possibly get another place.
Everything I looked at was not affordable even getting a roommate was
still expensive. Through this migraine I
got a call from a building I had placed an application for by faith a year ago
that had slipped my mind. I stress by
faith because when I applied, I knew I did not qualify income wise lol, but I
believed, actually I lied, I was not expecting a call at all I actually just
gave it a shot hoping I will be that 1% they have pity on you know the lottery
system 😊. When
I got the letter from the management office, I was actually expecting an ‘I am
sorry’ in the first sentence however it was for an Interview, I was like
whaattt! I called the day I got my
approval letter, interviewed the next day, got approved for a rent rate and
space in a ritzy part of town that is still unbelievable to me. EVERYDAY I come home, I shake my head in
disbelief. Won’t he do it! May I just add a buzzkill that the day I
signed my lease, I got a call that my father had been rushed to the ER,
smh. See what I mean? The devil will try you, I was very sad but
tried to focus on my blessings that day, booked the next train out and Thank
God my Dad fought through his illness.
§ My Health – I thought for sure that I would check into a
Psych ward but someway somehow, God always gave me the strength to see me
through. Still boggles my mind. My blood pressure was crazy that my doctors
were worried, I gained a lot of weight, felt sluggish, unfulfilled with life
wondering why me, dealt or still fighting with depression, got suicidal, have
no kids, not married so my only family is my parents. I wondered why God, my parents are not that
old, they are in their early 60’s, why me?
I thank God for strength…
§ My Faith - God led me to reflect on the story
of Job and the faith of Paul,
how they held on to the word of God through there storms. Wow! I
may not be all the way there but I am thankful for the deliverance
from ‘Prosperity teachings,' to understanding that being a Christian is not
all about if you pray this way or do this, God will answer your prayers and
bless you. This has led a lot of us to
frustration and unbelief. I pray that
God will STOP these false prophets.
There are great things in Christianity however there is also
suffering. Actually, a lot sometimes. A relationship is loving someone through
thick and thin not only when things are great.
I thank God for helping me get out of Religion and focus on his word and
a heartfelt relationship with him.
§ Acceptance – Every year I say to myself I will only be
friends with whoever is there for me and I refuse to give my energy or love to
ungrateful people. That did not
happen. I learned this year that there
are certain ways God created us that we cannot change. I am very giving, it gives me pleasure, I
enjoy being there for others, offering a hand when in need and even though this is
not always reciprocal making me hurt a lot of times, I could be very sensitive😊
I am accepting that this is who I am and God will reward me for my
kindness. I should not be looking to
humans for gratification. God’s got
me! I did cut off the toxic ones who are
not about growth.
§Giving – I learned that you do not have to be rich to
give to charities or help others. Giving
the little that you have could make a difference. Helping makes me happy and I am happy and
Blessed that I can put a smile on others faces by the Grace of God.
As
I end this year, I am accepting the fact that 100% fulfillment or that nirvana
of happiness I am seeking may not be based on material things, wants or needs of the
flesh but IS actually within me… my inner self.
The saying that Life is what you make it may be true indeed. I must create my own happiness and not depend
on the environment/life or others to bring it to me. I have to seek it. Gratitude is one way, a great way
actually. Every day is a blessing, what
I may take for granted is a blessing to others. Treating others with love &
respect, this will be another topic, we live in a suicidal society now that you
never know what others are struggling with, please be kind to others.
In all through the storms I have grown so much, learned a lot and I give
God the biggest THANKS. I pray that God
forgives me for any mishaps and I will continue to seek him, taking it a day at
a time. THANK YOU GOD FOR 2018, I only made
it through by your Grace and Love♥
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